I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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