so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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