Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
