happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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