Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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