The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
