No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
