I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
