we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
