So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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