My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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