Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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