he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
