Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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