I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I am spending my child support on dildos
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
