I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
