Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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