You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
All the doctor said was why
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
