ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
