The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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