I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
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well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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