I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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