the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
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Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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