Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
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then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
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Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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