the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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