So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
