Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize