Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Less talking, more tequila
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
