You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
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