i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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