I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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