Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
