TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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