I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize