Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
