Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
