i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
organizing the empties. That sober.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
