Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
