she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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