Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
