dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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