There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
