I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
