Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I need to calm my uterus...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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