You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
