now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
