and she was petting her beer can
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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