The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My bed is full of blood and feathers
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
and you fell through a lawn chair
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
