Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
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He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
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