Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
