I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
