I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
