my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
