you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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