I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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