The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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