Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
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No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
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Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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