My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
