We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
