my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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