i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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