after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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