I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
