I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
